Smiling Enemies
by I-Can-Spell-Confusion-With-A-K
Summary: "Jealousy is no more than feeling alone against smiling enemies."-Elizabeth Bowen Rachel has a lot of things she doesn't ask Young-do.
1. Chapter 1

**_"Jealousy is no more than feeling alone against smiling enemies."_**

**_-Elizabeth Bowen _**

Rachel hadn't meant to keep in contact with Young-do after their parents engagement had ended.

Of course she'd known they would still see each other at school, occasionally at the types of functions young people of their standing were expected to attend, maybe even a spattering of meetings by pure coincidence in a store or on the street.

However, during their brief forced journey towards being "siblings" Rachel had found herself depending on Young-do for a source of amusement and distraction and much to her horror she found that hadn't changed in the months following the dissolution of their attempt at family.

She found herself tempted to call him at the most inconvenient times like when she passed Kim Tan and Cha Eun-sang holding hands in the hallway or when she thought of a particularly sarcastic remark that went completely over her mother's head or when Bo-na and Chan-young literally made her want to vomit. Even more disturbing was the fact that Rachel gave in to this ludicrous urge more often than not, firing off a text during dinner with her mother or calling him while she struggled to fall asleep.

He was always awake when she called, no matter how late and it never took him more than a few rings to answer.

She wondered if he was having trouble sleeping too. She wondered how he was taking the investigation in to his father's business practices. She wondered how many pathetic hanger on type girls he was using to try to erase Cha Eun-sang.

She didn't ask.

She didn't ask any of it.

Their conversations mostly consisted of sarcastic jokes and wry observations about the people they still had in common-Bo-na, Chan-young, Myung-soo- and Young-do asking at least once "Sister, what are you wearing right now?"

"Ya, aren't you going to answer? You're no fun."

She never did. And she never was, never had been. Being "fun" was a luxury for girls who didn't have to carefully consider their every breath for how it would reflect on them and their mother and the family business. Cha Eun-sang never had understood the benefits her status as nothing gave her that Rachel couldn't even dream of.

She wondered if he really wanted to know.

She never asked that either.


	2. Chapter 2

It wasn't long before her mother was plotting her next move towards securing connections for the company using her favorite method of an advantageous marriage. Both Rachel and her mother had one recent broken engagement under their belt but since the last one had been her mother's it seemed to follow that it was Rachel's turn.

Her mother seemed to think so anyway, inundating their home with the photos and bios of suitable "men", boys from good families who couldn't even make instant raman for themselves. The types of boys who no one had ever made do dishes in a hotel kitchen.

Rachel feigned vague interest as her mother recited their details as though they were idols and she was a pre-teen fan club member.

But after, she called Young-do and mocked them mercilessly, finding not just fault with each of them but raging against them as though they had wronged her personally. As though they were all Kim Tan.

To her they all were.

He listened to her acidic comments with measured amusement, chuckling at her wittiest insults but for the most part just allowing her to pour out as much of her blinding rage as she needed to before steering the conversation back to safer topics like Myung-soo's latest scheme to turn his loft in to a mini night club.

"I should just marry Hyo-shin," Rachel declared flatly one night, lying on top of her covers, phone cradled between her ear and the pillow.

To her surprise and annoyance Young-do's only response was a hearty laugh.

"Ya, stop that," Rachel demanded, even though his laughter had already faded away. She hated being laughed at, hated feeling like anything she said was ridiculous.

Her mother made her feel like that.

So did Kim Tan.

"There are so many reasons it makes sense," Rachel continued without giving Young-do time to respond. "He can convince his parents he's serious about his future, I can skip all this vetting process and jump straight to the part where my mother's company gets some much needed prestige, and…"

"And what?" Young-do finally interrupted, the hint of laughter still in his voice. "You can bore each other to an early death?"

Rachel suddenly had the urge to reach through the phone and grab Young-do by the shoulders and shake him until he saw her differently. Saw her as someone to take seriously, saw her as a capable woman and not just a spoiled girl, shake him until he didn't laugh when she talked about marrying herself off to someone.

She didn't know what she wanted him to do instead. She didn't want to think hard enough about it to decipher why she felt almost betrayed in this moment.

Instead she merely let out a small laugh of her own, the cold, measured one she had perfected over the years.

"And I already know he's a great kisser," Rachel pretended to yawn. "Goodnight, brother."

As soon as she hung up she felt the quiet of the house close in on her.

She wondered if Young-do was still as wide-awake as she was.

The next day at school he looked tired, but he always kind of looked tired since Cha Eun-sang had made the choice she was always going to make.

She wondered if he was tired from not sleeping or from other activities designed to keep his mind off of his disappointments.

She didn't ask.


	3. Chapter 3

Rachel avoided actually meeting any of her potential husbands for as long as possible.

She tried to force herself into truly examining them and making some kind of a choice.

After all, at the end of the day she was going to get married. It was going to be a marriage of convenience. It was what she had been raised, crafted, molded and prepared for. She was no longer confused about what that truly meant.

Besides if there was anything that could get people to stop whispering about…_last time_…it was to begin the whole dance again and this time perform her role perfectly.

In practice though choosing the person you'll be eating breakfast silently across from for the next 50 years from a pile of photographs and statistics wasn't easy.

Her mother paraded enough photos in front of her that they all started to blend together anyway. So when her mother finally slammed a folder of them down on the table and gripped Rachel's shoulder with pinching fingers demanding she choose one to have dinner with, Rachel hardly glanced at the seemingly endless blurry faces. She simply jabbed her finger at the closest one and swallowed the lump in her throat as her mother clicked her tongue disapprovingly.

Rachel half expected her mother to replace her choice with the most advantageous option later, and honestly she wouldn't have known the difference if she had. However, when she announced at dinner the next night that Rachel's date with Kim Jung-Hwa, the second son of an entertainment corporation, Rachel knew she hadn't. Honestly, he was one of the more middle of the road options as far as she could tell. No company to inherit, no direct ties to the industry her own family was involved in and no pedigree based on generations of respectably gentile ancestors.

What he did have going for him was money and a lot of it.

Because that had been proven to be a solid predictor of marital happiness. _Right._

So Rachel got ready for their blind date with the same effort and precision with which she did everything, She picked out a black dress as though she were marching to her funeral, but that wasn't it. She was more like the grim reaper, righteously angry and ready to lead all those who stood in her way to their final resting place, powerful and intimidating.

Impenetrable.

All the invisible pores through which she'd allowed Kim Tan to seep through and enter her heart blocked by firm, black fabric.

She glanced in the mirror one more time then picked up her matching clutch and reached for her phone before hesitating. She was having one of those sudden urges to call Young-do. She knew her mother was downstairs waiting by the car, not to see Rachel off and wish her luck but o make sure she actually made it into the car and didn't try to back out.

As if she would.

Rachel was nothing if not practical, and this was going to happen eventually. It might as well be tonight.

Rachel quickly thumbed through her to phone to Young-do's number and pressed it before she could think better of it.

It rang once, twice, three times and just as she was about to hang up his voice echoed into her ear.

"Sister, what a surprise. You're early today. Missing me terribly?"

She chose not to dignify that question with a reply.

"I'm going on a blind date." She said instead, staring at herself in the mirror, her expressionless face impossibly pale between the curtains of her hair and against her black dress.

"Ah, your mother must be so pleased." Young-do shifted in the background and she wondered what he was doing. Where he was. "When's the big day?"

She noticed he didn't ask who her date was. Why she had thought that would be his first question she didn't know.

"Today. Now. We're going to dinner." She didn't know why she'd thought calling him would be a good idea either.

"Now that is disappointing, sister," Young-do sighed dramatically. "How can you leave your one and only brother to eat all alone."

"We don't eat together," Rachel rolled her eyes, despite the fact that he couldn't see her.

It was true. Ever since the few aborted meals that never seemed to finish when their parents were engaged she and Young-do had never so much sat down at a table together in a restaurant. There was no real reason.

She wasn't trying to avoid being seen with him. She was beyond that. She was beyond caring if people thought there was something strange about their relationship. She knew it wasn't like that. She would be married soon enough anyway and that would at least temporarily shut people up.

She wasn't trying to avoid being seen with him.

Maybe he was avoiding being seen with her. Maybe he still wanted Cha Eun-sang to see him as an available option and a friendship with Rachel wouldn't reflect well on that.

She didn't ask.

"Exactly," Young-do put on a fake hurt voice that broke her from her thoughts. "I'm hurt that you would share a meal with this interloper before me."

"I have to go," Rachel stated, her voice reflecting the perfect amount of practiced boredom. "We're serious about this one. I don't expect it to be an early night, so I won't be able to call you tonight."

Young-do paused only a moment before he chuckled.

"You'll call, sister, I'll be waiting to hear all about your fun date."

Rachel hung up.

She took herself in once more in the mirror.

For a moment she felt sorry for Kim Jung-Hwa. She had nothing to offer him not even fake smiles and grudging affection; she'd used them all up on someone else.

She shook the thought from her head as she made her way downstairs and out to the car.

After all, he had nothing offer her either beyond the prison she would enter willingly.


	4. Chapter 4

He wasn't what she expected.

Kim Jung-Hwa smiled when he saw her. _Smiled_. In the face of her cold stare and angel of destruction get up, he smiled.

Rachel examined him over the top of her menu as he seemed to put serious thought into what to order.

There was something distractedly…relaxed about him.

He was dressed as casually as he probably thought he could get away with for the occasion but more than that it was the openness of his face that was throwing Rachel off.

He wasn't smirking; there wasn't an air of barely concealed boredom or disgust. But neither did he give off the feeling that he was trying to get on her good side. Rachel had learned through hard won experience how to read those who thought they could win her favor with false flattery.

She didn't want it.

She didn't need it.

This didn't feel like that.

He seemed completely unaffected by the pressure and expectations that had propelled them both there, the pressure and expectations that were giving her a headache at this very moment.

"Did you pick something?" He broke into her thoughts, flashing that oddly sincere smile yet again, her eyes lingering distrustfully on his up turned lips.

"Salad," Rachel muttered, ripping her eyes away from his mouth. "Any salad."

"No way," He protested, leaning over and gesturing at her menu. "Salad isn't food. This is amazing. Oh, this is better. Try it, you'll love me for this!"

Rachel closed her menu with a snap.

"Is that supposed to pass for a joke?" She scoffed.

He grinned and shrugged. "Yeah, sort of. How did I do?"

"Oh, you're very clever, I'm sure," She answered sarcasm dripping from every word which only caused him to smile wider.

He laughed and managed to take her by surprise yet again.

She was used to boys laughter as a means of making her feel small, a dismissal masquerading as a show of joy, a way to let her know exactly how little they took her seriously.

Kim Tan.

Young-do.

Why she was even bothering to bring the latter in to the comparison was beyond her.

Kim Jung-Hwa on the other hand seemed to genuinely find her amusing, which was annoying in its own way of course. It just wasn't what she had prepared for.

The meal was uneventful but just off putting enough that Rachel never felt like she quite found her footing.

Instead of asking about what she wanted to study in university or her hobbies he asked for her opinion on action movies and what her favorite desert was.

She offered up more and more sarcastic answers to his ridiculous inquiries, which he seemed to continue to find amusing.

Finally Rachel dropped her fork to the table in frustration.

"What exactly is the point of all this? Could you be serious for one minute?"

He shrugged.

"Sure I could," He shrugged. "But ask yourself this, Yoo Rachel, why should I? I'm a second son of a new money family sent out on an arranged date. No one expects much of me anyway. The way I see it I have two options. One, I can spend a lot of time worrying about where this is going or two, I can just enjoy eating a meal with a pretty girl. I choose option two."

"You are completely crazy," Rachel told him shaking her head.

"You just need a new perspective," He smiled, seemingly unaffected by her cool disapproval.

"I've had enough of other people's perspectives," Rachel snapped.

"I like you," He continued unperturbed.

"Excuse me?" Rachel wanted to know what game he was playing. There had to be one.

"I like you, that's my perspective," He took a large bite and let her stare, then swallowed and continued. "So far, of course, don't get a big head or anything."

She laughed.

She couldn't help it.

She schooled her face back into an unreadable mask quickly, but that didn't change the fact that he had made her laugh and the grin spreading across his face was proof that he knew it.

"I knew it, you're practically in love with me already!"

"Crazy bastard," Rachel muttered under her breath, fighting to regain her composure.

He was open and funny and seemingly a genuinely nice guy.

He was completely wrong for her. She hated that she knew that. And yet, there was something in her that craved more time in the company of someone who didn't ooze self-satisfaction and judgment.

They stayed for desert.

She didn't call Young-do that night.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: Thanks so much for the reviews! And for the reviewer who asked who I pictured when I wrote Kim Jung-hwa the answer is Song Joong-ki! Adorable! And don't worry, he will be appearing again. Enjoy and please review. :) **

Rachel expected Young-do to corner her before class the next morning and mockingly grill her for information about her date.

Instead she didn't see him for most of the day, not in the halls, not in class, not even at lunch. By the end of her last class she had decided that he had probably stayed home to nurse a hangover.

That's why she was almost too surprised to react when she approached her locker at the end of the day to find her path to it obstructed by none other than her almost had been brother. He was leaning against her locker in an exaggeratedly casual manner, ignoring the stares and giggles from a gaggle of first year girls watching from across the hall.

She managed to recover from her surprise and close the distance between them quickly, giving him a firm if ineffective shove. He didn't budge an inch and she told herself she hadn't really been trying in a vain attempt to preserve her dignity.

"Move," She told him flatly, a command he obliged with a knowing smile.

She pointedly didn't look at him as she rifled around in her locker, fighting distraction and trying to remember what she'd come here for in the first place.

She wasn't sure why she was suddenly nervous about talking to him. She just knew that for some reason she wasn't ready to deconstruct her date with Kim Jung-hwa with him yet She didn't want to see what had been a relatively innocent and pleasant experience through Young-do's cynical lens. She was still coming to terms with the fact that she hadn't completely hated him and she didn't want Young-do reading too much in to that fact.

Though why what he thought mattered at all was another mystery she chose not to examine in this moment.

"This has to be the longest locker excavation of all time," His voice broke into her thoughts from behind her open locker door, causing her to feel a completely unwelcome blush spread over her cheeks. "Find anything interesting in there?"

Rachel yanked her head out of her locker and quickly slammed the door closed, spinning on her heel without a word and walking towards the exit.

What she wasn't counting on was the sheer length of his legs and the practically inhuman stride it gave him. Even though she was walking at a brisk pace he caught up with her in a few lazy steps.

"Not so fast, sister," He chided, throwing one arm casually around her shoulders ignoring the way she attempted to half-heartedly shrug him off. "Did you forget we have dinner plans?"

"We _don't_ have dinner plans," Rachel pointed out as he practically dragged her out the door and towards his bike.

"Technicalities," He tsked, swinging one leg smoothly over his bike and holding out his spare helmet towards her.

She hesitated for a moment.

She wanted to be the type of girl who didn't jump when some boy said so, especially a boy who she wasn't in any sort of special relationship with. She also wanted to know why he was suddenly so intent on sharing a meal with her.

In the end, she didn't ask.

Rachel rolled her eyes and took the helmet doing her best to ignore the smirk he shot her way as she fastened it over her hair as carefully as possible.

She climbed on to the back of the bike and wrapped her arms loosely around his waist.

She felt comfortable doing so despite the oddness of being so close to anyone let alone a boy.

She enjoyed the feeling of his firm back offering her something stable to lean against, something to hold on to as they careened probably too fast towards their destination, wherever that was.

There was probably a metaphor in there somewhere but she chose not to look for it.

Before she knew it they had arrived and Rachel stood on the sidewalk staring skeptically as Young-do impatiently held the door of the restaurant open for her.

"Ya, Rachel, my good manners have a limit, get yourself over here," He waved her over with his free hand and Rachel grudgingly obliged.

He hadn't taken her to a fancy place like Kim Jung-hwa had the night before. He'd brought her to a hole in the wall local place with scuffed up tabletops and plastic menus and one wall with writing scrawled all over it in cramped little messages diners had left over the years.

How cheesy.

And yet…and yet…Young-do had brought her here.

Young-do who despite his father's recent troubles, despite his stint doing dishes, spent his life every bit as well off and privileged as she was. Like her he had eaten in the best restaurants, been given the best of everything, experienced the accepted pinnacle in every category.

And yet…this was where he brought her.

There had to be a reason.

Maybe he didn't want to be seen with her after all.

Maybe he was just feeling cheap.

Maybe he just wanted to get a rise out of her, make her as uncomfortable as possible, punish her for not calling last night, for not playing by the rules of this strange game they had established months ago.

But maybe he was testing her. Maybe this place meant something to him and maybe he was waiting to see if she was worth the explanation.

Rachel knew she probably wouldn't ask.

She just hoped, for curiosity's sake of course, that he'd tell her anyway.


	6. Chapter 6

Young-do was slurping food through his teeth and it was driving Rachel slowly mad.

He was sitting there not talking and just slurping after dragging her all the way here for no discernable reason.

What a child.

"Why don't you just ask me?" Rachel finally snapped, hating herself for breaking first as his eyes lazily traveled up from his bowl to her face.

He took one last slurp that put her nerves even more on edge before he responded.

"Ask what?"

Of course he was going to play dumb.

They both knew that this was a coordinated dance they had been doing for months now, where no one said they gave a damn about anything just slowly maneuvered their way closer to what they wanted to know through banter and tricks.

At least that was what she had been doing.

Sometimes she wasn't sure that Young-do wasn't just keeping this-whatever this was-between them alive to relieve his boredom or show Kim Tan that he wasn't the only one who could adopt a social pariah as his pet project.

"Why don't you just ask how my date was?" Rachel refused to drop her gaze, refused to look away and give him the satisfaction of flustering her in any way.

And he did fluster her.

She may have been specially equipped to handle him but Young-do was still Young-do and he still had just enough sinister possibility lingering just beneath his bored exterior to scare her a little bit.

And excite her from time to time.

But that was neither here nor there.

Most of the time he was equal parts annoyance and distraction and that was certainly the case now.

"If you want to girl talk why don't you just say so," Young-do reached out and poked her arm, barely having to stretch at all to cross the distance between them, the quickest, barest flash of a smile gracing his face.

Rachel shrugged returning to her food, pretending she didn't care one way or another.

Pretending she wasn't slightly disappointed that after all this time _this_ is where they still were. Still dancing around the issue at hand in this never ending god damn waltz they had been doing for the last few months.

Her feet were tired.

The silence stretched for a few long moments before Rachel felt Young-do kick her surprisingly gently under the table several times rapid fire leaving her no choice but to roll her eyes and raise her gaze to his expectantly.

"Be nice, sister," Young-do put on a fake pout that was equal parts ridiculous and distracting.

Why did he have to have such big stupid looking lips?

Everything about him was huge and odd and distracting….and nothing good could come from this line of thought.

Annoying.

"It was…fun," Rachel answered finally, unsure how to describe the date now that she'd mentally committed to doing so.

"Fun?" He repeated skeptically, one of those thick yet perfectly sculpted eyebrows she secretly loved raising to a sharp point over his eye.

"Well, it was at least fine," Rachel allowed. Fun probably was overstating things but then again her grip on the meaning of fun was more than a little skewed at this point.

"What's your prince charming like?" Young-do asked, tapping his chopsticks against the side of his bowl softly but still loudly enough to grate on her nerves yet again.

"He's funny," Rachel supplied, deciding that sticking to one word descriptions was probably safest.

"Funny how?" He smirked. "Pitch perfect sarcasm? Unmatched wit?"

"Funny like jokes," Rachel said matter of factly trying to ignore Young-do's incredulous expression.

"Since when do you like jokes?" Young-do asked and Rachel found herself wondering the same thing.

She thought the answer might be since she became absolutely sick at the thought of one more beautiful boy looking at her as though she was the joke.

She didn't think he wanted to know the truth but to be fair she didn't ask.

She just shrugged and sat silently until eventually Young-do went back to his slurping and she went back to wondering why she was there in the first place.


	7. Chapter 7

On their second date Kim Jung-Hwa took Rachel to a movie.

It was some incredibly cheesy action movie with robots and humans doing battle and Rachel could practically feel her brain oozing out of her ears as she sat through it.

Afterwards though she watched with amusement as Kim Jung-Hwa bounced out into the lobby practically vibrating with childlike excitement.

"That was amazing," He enthused, turning to her expectantly, his face practically begging her to agree.

"That was mind numbingly stupid," Rachel deadpanned, expecting his face to fall or his expression to transform into annoyance.

Instead he simply bumped his shoulder into his good-naturedly.

"You're just like the girls in those movies, Yoo Rachel," He flashed her that strangely genuine smile again. "That's why I like you so much."

"You're an idiot," She told him firmly but without any harshness behind it. In fact her voice sounded soft and unfamiliar to her ears.

"I'm serious," He struck an "action" pose with one arm curled to emphasize his muscles and the other pointing at her. "Strong, beautiful, takes no prisoners. Total terminator, I'm telling you."

"Shut up," Rachel's stone face broke despite her best intentions to remain unaffected and she offered him a brief smile before shoving him lightly toward the exit and away from all the other eyes in the room. Away from the eyes who would only see a cute couple and not the hopelessness of someone so light allowing themselves to be anchored to her.

On their third date Kim Jung-Hwa took Rachel to a fundraiser for whatever the cause of the moment for those too rich to know what to do with their money was. It was the first time they had gone anywhere truly public together and she had to admit he was as great a date for a horrifically boring function as she could wish for.

He smiled and told her she looked beautiful when he picked her up (on time) and made sure she actually ate some of the endless hors d'oeuvres that were constantly being waved under her nose by the staff. He whispered in her ear funny observations about the other guests and laughed when she offered her own decidedly more biting comments. He insisted that she dance with him at least once and didn't step on her feet or make her lead or put his hands anywhere that would endanger his life.

And he looked undeniably good in a suit.

In fact he was such a good date that Rachel almost didn't notice when the two people she least wanted to see made their fashionably late entrance.

Almost.

Kim Tan and Cha Eun-sang of course had the attention of the entire party as soon as they stepped a foot inside. Disapproving looks met their advance from every angle.

Cha Eun-sang at least had the decency to look uncomfortable but Kim Tan strode forward as though he didn't have a care in the world, dragging his true love by the wrist, seemingly oblivious to her discomfort, physical and otherwise.

Rachel chuckled mirthlessly.

Some things never changed.

She couldn't believe she had ever thought she lo…

She couldn't believe she had wanted to marry a boy like that.

She couldn't believe that despite everything when his eyes locked with hers across the dance floor later she felt her cheeks burn and her gaze drop.

Kim Jung-Hwa went to get them something to drink and following the rule of the universe that the thing you most desperately hope to avoid will come true, Kim Tan immediately appeared before her, Cha Eun-sang trailing reluctantly behind him.

Still as handsome as ever.

Still as incapable of caring for her at all.

"That didn't take long," He laughed, and that, that right there was why Kim Jung-Hwa's laugh took her by surprise every time, why even Young-do's version had come to sound so harmless by comparison. "Good for you Rachel, maybe you'll be ready to toast to our happiness now."

He raised his drink in a mock toast and Rachel felt her blood boil.

How dare he?

How dare he insinuate that she was moving on quickly from their engagement when he had been flaunting his dalliances in her face from the beginning?

Despite the bubbling rage threatening to overwhelm her, Rachel did what she did best and maintained an icy exterior.

"As you can see I don't have a drink to toast with, something my date is working to rectify as we speak," Rachel struggled to keep her voice sounding bored and aloof though she knew it shook slightly. "But congratulations on your…"

She swept her gaze to Cha Eun-sang. Out of place, stared at, thoroughly judged by all in attendance, dragged through the muck by Kim Tan, Cha Eun-sang.

"Happiness," She finished skeptically, noting with some satisfaction that Cha Eun-sang blushed.

She almost felt sorry for the poor girl. Almost.

Kim Tan must have picked up on her not so subtle point because he took a step toward her, towering over her even in her heels.

"Leave her alone," He snapped, that familiar look in his eyes burning through Rachel's outer shell of indifference, leaving her feeling small and pathetic. "I understand you may not recognize what it looks like to be loved, you're not the type of girl to see it often."

Rachel wanted to scream and shout and claw his eyes out and tell Cha Eun-sang to run and run and run because the boy gripping her wrist couldn't love her no matter how much he wanted to, not really, not when his father and his brother had twisted something inside of him so long ago.

Instead she felt herself shrinking, melting into a puddle of everything she felt swallowed by every day but had managed to contain until this moment.

She wished her mother had taught her something truly useful, like how not to believe beautiful boys when they told you that you were worthless.

She wished she was a better actress.

She wished Young-do was there.

Suddenly an arm shot out from behind her and liquid was splashing over Kim Tan's face, as he sputtered in disbelief.

"I think you'll find the type of girl before you is a lady," Kim Jung-Hwa's voice was almost unrecognizable, cold and firm. "And you sir, are an ass."

Kim Tan rushed forward his fist already swinging forward but Cha Eun-sang inserted herself into her familiar position between Kim Tan and a fight, grabbing his arm with all of her weight.

"Let's just go, please," She begged and Kim Tan relented, swiping at his face angrily and merely brushing past them shoving himself into Kim Jung-Hwa's shoulder as they passed.

It took Rachel a moment to muster any words and when she did all she came up with was, "What were you thinking?"

Kim Jung-Hwa merely grinned and handed Rachel her drink, which he had somehow managed to keep safe during the entire confrontation.

"That's how they do it in the drama's right?"

Rachel laughed, and she didn't bother to try to stop herself, just linked her arm through his and pulled him towards the exit.


	8. Chapter 8

The next morning Rachel barely had time to open her locker before Young-do was slamming into the locker next to her with enough force to send a hollow clang echoing throughout the hallway.

Rachel jumped though she tried to cover it by flipping her hair over one shoulder and meeting Young-do's gaze expectantly.

What she saw there left her taken aback and fighting the urge to retreat back a step.

His eyes were hard, full of the calculated anger she'd only seen directed at his father.

Well, his father or Kim Tan.

When he spoke his words were slow and deliberate each one dripping with barely controlled temper.

"What happened?"

Rachel prided herself on her ability to anticipate questions, her ability to calculate her answers before someone had so much as spoken a word, and cut off any possible opportunity they had to gain the upper hand.

And yet she could do nothing but stare dumbly back at a seething Young-do.

"What are you talking about?" She countered, observing him biting down on his jaw in frustration.

"Don't play dumb with me, Rachel," Young-do snapped, leaning down towards her though it did little to ease their height difference. "What happened with Kim Tan?"

Rachel could almost feel what little color her face had draining away at his words, and if the look on his face was any indication that's exactly what had happened.

She shouldn't be surprised that he'd managed to hear about the Kim Tan incident. Not only did Young-do know absolutely everyone but he also seemed to have some kind of freaky sixth sense when it came to zeroing in on trouble, be it the kind he was directly involved in or not.

No, it shouldn't have surprised her that he'd immediately discovered what had happened the night before and yet somehow it had still caught her off guard.

"We ran into each other at a party," Rachel did her best to keep her voice steady. "He said some things, so did I."

"Rachel,"

She expected there to be more after her name but he stopped there, seemingly content in the knowledge that under his fierce gaze she would be helpless not to tell him what he wanted to know.

She hated that he was right.

"He said he understood if I didn't know what it looked like to be loved," Rachel admitted, dropping her voice to a near whisper, suddenly all too aware that they were at school not in the safe cocoon of their phone conversations. "He said I wasn't the type of girl who would know that."

Everything was silent for a long moment.

Rachel watched with grim fascination as a vein in Young-do's next pulsed angrily.

It really was a beautiful neck.

And it really was a stupid time to be thinking thoughts like that.

In the end Young-do said nothing in response to her admission, simply shoved himself away from the bank of lockers suddenly and forcefully, stalking down the hall in the opposite direction.

He hadn't asked if she was ok, or what else had happened for that matter.

He hadn't asked what Rachel had said back to Kim Tan.

He hadn't asked about Cha Eun-sang and that was the fact that a large part of her brain was urging her to focus on despite her best intentions to ignore it.

Then again he hadn't asked what she'd really wanted him to either.

_Why didn't you call me?_

_I wanted to. _

_I would have come. _

_I wanted you to. _

She really was such a stupid, stupid, stupid girl.

It wasn't until later as she lay in her bed, not sleeping, very mindfully not calling him, that she realized Young-do's one word demand had not been "sister".

She drifted off in to a fitful sleep to the image of her not fiancé looking through her and the sound of her not brother uttering her name.


	9. Chapter 9

**Author Note: I know it's been a long time since I've posted. Please forgive me and let me know you're still interested in this story, life's been crazy but my youngra love still burns strong lol.**

Rachel managed to not call Young Do all night and for most of the morning but by the time her mother was inquiring if she had lunch plans her resolve weakened to critical levels.

She began checking her phone compulsively for the message that could only be inevitable announcing something incredibly stupid her "brother" had done.

Not that that was anything new.

She just wasn't used to the guilt that accompanied believing he had done it on her behalf.

After the tenth time she had glanced at her phone in less than half an hour, Rachel's mother had had enough.

"Put the phone away, Rachel," She snapped, her small lips pursing as though she had eaten something distastefully sour.

Rachel schooled her face into one of mock concern that hid the real impatience and deeper anxiety that lurked just beneath the surface.

"Kim Jung-Hwa is supposed to call me," She tried to imitate the whining tone Bo Na took on when her whipped excuse for a boyfriend didn't call preciously the second he had promised to.

At the mention of her possible future son-in-law Rachel's mother visibly relaxed.

"You'd better keep him interested, Rachel," She lectured, though a slight indulging smile graced her face. "I don't think you want to be the one waiting for phone calls again. We can't afford it."

Rachel felt an unwanted blush burning her cheeks, the heat almost painful as though it symbolized more than just embarrassment but physical punishment for her inadequacies as well.

She swallowed the spiteful remark that wanted to burst from her lips and accost her mother with the perfect collection of words that would destroy her mother's smug smile.

Instead she forced a stiff smile and stood as delicately as she could manage while practically vibrating with unvoiced rage.

"Of course, mother, I think I'll just go call him now,"

She turned on her heel and strode from the room before she said something she would regret.

Or worse something she wouldn't.

As soon as she reached the privacy of her room she did make a call but not the effortlessly likeable Kim Jung-Hwa but rather the infinitely frustrating Young-Do.

He didn't answer.

He didn't answer the next three times she called either.

So when Kim Jung-Hwa called later and suggested they go see a movie that night her first thought was that he was exceptionally unoriginal in his date planning to propose another trip to the cinema so soon, but her second thought was what a relief it would be to sit in a dark theater for two hours and not be expected to do or say or be anything.

So she agreed.

It wasn't until they had reached the theater and taken their seats that Rachel realized somewhere along the line in all of her distracted nodding she'd agreed to see a horror film, one about zombies no less.

Rachel hated zombies.

Soulless shells forced to amble on long after any purpose had left their life and try to leech off of others who hadn't succumbed to the inevitable yet.

There was probably another metaphor there.

She was also probably just scared by horror movies. Not that she was planning on admitting that to her date or anyone.

So Rachel burrowed farther into her seat as though the extra few inches between her and the screen could somehow steel her nerves and prepared for an absolutely miserable couple of hours.

She was so focused on _not _appearing terrified that she almost didn't notice the figure dropping heavily into the chair next to hers.

_Almost_.


	10. Chapter 10

It was too dark to see him properly, not that she looked.

She forced herself not to, head frozen facing forward, her neck tensing to the point of soreness instantly from the effort of _not_ snapping toward the figure to her right.

No, she didn't see him but she knew it was Young Do anyway.

She could feel his presence in the seat next to her, feel the very specific way his limbs sprawled over the edges of the chair, feel the heat of his gaze as it sought out her face in the dark.

Not to mention the smell of his cologne, which was _not_ fantastic and was _not_ something she had spent many hours trying to identify secretly to no avail.

The point was she knew it was him.

"Jung-Hwa," She forced herself to turn in the opposite direction from the one her body was begging her to go. "Will you get me a soda?"

The opening credits of the movie were just beginning and even in the dark she could see the hesitation written all over her date's face. He took his movie watching very seriously and she was asking him to miss the beginning of the movie for a drink she'd turned down firmly five minutes ago.

"You called soda 'calorie juice' and said you'd rather die than drink it," He whispered back and she rolled her eyes sure the darkness would hide her gesture.

Of all the times for her to actually have a boy who listened to what she said.

"I changed my mind, you don't mind, do you? You're so good to me." She whispered back doing her best to keep her tone sweet and ignoring the muffled chuckle she heard from her other side.

She felt his resistance crumble.

"I'll be right back," He answered quietly and true to his word slipped out of his seat leaving Rachel alone.

Well, alone with _him_.

Rachel forced herself to turn slowly, mentally cataloging the hammering of her heart as clearly a symptom of her simmering rage and nothing else.

Once she was finally turned in his direction she saw that she was right, the blackness in the theater obscured the details of his face though she didn't need the light to know his typically annoying smirk was securely in place.

"What are you doing here?" She hissed, leaning closer to at least keep up the pretense that this would be a private conversation. "No, never mind, I don't care. Just leave."

Young Do followed her example and leaned in even closer until Rachel could feel his breath gusting across her face, a sensation that most definitely did _not _cause her to shiver involuntarily.

"Now, now, Rachel, I thought you wanted to talk to me. I'm sorry I missed your calls but I rushed right over as soon as I could."

"How did you find me?" Rachel demanded before once again thinking better of engaging him any further. "No, I don't want to know, just _go_. I'm on a date and you've clearly been busy."

"Don't be mad, Rachel," His voice was soft and though she knew it was just to keep from drawing attention to them as the opening scene of the movie began the unwelcome effect of drawing her in was the same. "I had a few things to take care of."

"Yeah, that's what I was afraid of you idiot!" Rachel snapped, schooling herself halfway through back down to a reasonable volume. "Look, Jung-Hwa will be back any second and you can't be here."

"So he's Jung-Hwa now, huh?" Young Do murmured, his trademark mocking tone still present. "I should definitely meet him then. Ah, here he comes."

"Just don't say anything!" Rachel hissed, turning back towards the screen just as Jung-Hwa sank back in to his seat.

He handed her a large soda, his attention already on the screen.

Rachel sighed and took a sip, nearly recoiling at the sugary sweet taste. When was the last time she'd let herself have something as indulgent as a soda? She swallowed hurriedly, relishing the slightly painful burn as it eased its way down her throat.

Anything to distract her from the twin presences on either side of her and the dual horror stories playing out in the theater. She was almost starting to think the zombies would be preferable to the one she was currently trapped in.

_Almost_.

As the movie went on not even the drama in her own life could distract her completely from the ambling flesh eaters slowly picking off the cast of the film one by one. Her grip on the armrest got tighter and tighter with each subsequent death, her fingers starting to ache from the effort to keep her in her seat.

Jung-Hwa didn't notice. He was fully immersed and in his element, leaning forward, not so much as jumping when a particularly gruesome member of the undead sprang out from nowhere.

Finally Rachel felt her threshold for silent fear being reached, a squeak of fear building in her throat as her rebellious body trembled in pure terror.

The zombie on the screen had just gripped the neck of a girl who didn't look unlike Rachel herself between its grubby hands and was yanking it ever closer to its glistening teeth.

Why did people enjoy this? What kind of sadistic person thought this was fun? This was it, she couldn't take anymore, she was going to scream, she was going to…

Rachel suddenly felt herself being yanked to the side and her face being pressed into something soft.

Something that smelled amazing.

Her momentary confusion wasn't enough to drown out the overwhelming sense of relief at being spared whatever was currently happening on the screen.

She felt relief.

She felt safe.

She felt an arm wrapping around her shoulder and another resting firmly on the back of her head, holding her in place.

Rachel jumped as the realization of just what-who-she currently had her face buried in hit her fully.

She tried to pull away but the hand didn't give and she didn't make much progress.

Instead a whisper directly into her ear shocked her into immobility.

"Relax, he's not paying attention." Young Do breathed in to her ear. "I'll tell you when it's over."

It was a truly stupid idea.

But then again, she was a truly stupid girl. Ask anyone.

So against all rational thought and better judgment Rachel relaxed into Young Do's shoulder, taking one deep shuddering breath, allowing herself to indulge in his scent and warmth for this brief moment.

The hand on the back of her hand stroked gently over her hair, from the crown of her head down to her ear and back again, a slow almost absentminded gesture she wasn't convinced he was aware of.

Rachel closed her eyes and without meaning to found one of her hands reaching over to bunch in his sweater.

It was something about how worried she'd been about him earlier, not knowing if he was ok and then having the proof right here under her hands. She was still angry with him. She was still confused as hell as to exactly what their relationship was.

Almost had been siblings.

Almost had been friends.

Almost had been…something.

"Coast is clear," He whispered and it took her a moment to react, to yank back her hand to sit up as quickly as she felt safe to do so, to ease back into her own seat and realize with relief that Jung-Hwa really did seem to be too wrapped in the movie to have noticed.

The movie ended fairly quickly after that. The lights came up and Rachel found herself looking toward the seat on her right out of reflex.

He wasn't there.

She'd known he wasn't, had felt him slip away as soon as the movie ended, like he'd never been there at all.

Still. She had to look.

She turned back to Jung-Hwa's smiling if slightly confused face and guilt flooded through her so strongly she could hardly force her normal neutral expression to remain on her face, let alone anything approaching affectionate.

"Rachel…" He trailed off, waiting for her to fill in the blanks, trusting her to tell him was the matter.

Trust she didn't deserve.

"Thanks for the soda, Jung-Hwa," She managed finally, trying to imbue that one sentence with all the unspoken apologies and explanations he would never get.

She was pretty sure neither of them would ever get what they truly wanted.


	11. Chapter 11

Jung-Hwa laced his fingers through hers as they excited the theater, an affectionate action Rachel hardly noticed.

She not only felt detached from the boy next to her but from the hand he held as well. She felt slightly dizzy, as though she wasn't firmly rooted in her own body at the moment.

She could still feel the warm, soft but slightly scratchy texture of Young Do's sweater as though her forehead was still pressed against it.

She could still smell his cologne.

She could still feel the hopeless, overwhelming anger his presence had filled her with, matched only by the fury and disappointment that accompanied his subsequent disappearance.

She hated it. All of it.

She hated the uncontrollable emotions, the desire for someone's attention, the obsession with mentally replaying moments, and sentences and sensations, hated not trusting the person she most wanted to.

Hated not trusting herself too.

"You're shaking," Jung Hwa's voice broke into her repetitive thoughts and Rachel was once again flooded with unspoken guilt.

She was holding one boy's hand and thinking about another.

She was no different than Kim Tan. Not really. Not when it counted.

"What?" She managed to respond, doing her best to keep her voice steady.

"You're shaking," Jung Hwa repeated, lifting her hand that was still clutched in his own and showed it to her as though it were evidence. "Did the movie scare you? No more zombies, got it. I'm so sorry, sweetheart."

They had reached the outside of the theater and the change in the light blinded Rachel for a moment, the streetlights and neon signs of the busy neighborhood instantly causing tears to spring up in her eyes.

She blinked them away.

Wondered if her mascara was in tact, still perfect.

Hated herself a little more.

Her eyes adjusted to the light but the dampness in her eyes remained.

Just the lights. Obviously.

Jung Hwa was still walking, pulling her gently along by their linked hands until Rachel stopped moving, her sudden action causing her date to jerk back and fix her with an inquisitive look.

"I'm not," She blurted out, swallowing around the lump in her throat, wishing suddenly that she hadn't tossed that mostly untouched soda in the trash.

One of Jung Hwa's eyebrows shot up sharply at her statement as he took the half step necessary to bring him back to her position. He examined her face silently for a moment, not saying anything and not for the first time Rachel admired his ability to not fill every second with noise.

She was capable of being quiet of course. She was capable of staring at someone blankly, giving away nothing until they thought better of whatever they were thinking of saying further solidifying the silence she usually preferred.

This wasn't that.

This was a silence that invited her to fill in the blanks but allowed her the option to refuse without punishment or consequence.

It was wonderful and it only made her more bitter.

"You're not what, Rachel?" He asked finally, softly, gently.

"Sweet," The word escaped her in a puff of breath, the word feeling as soft and insubstantial as her voice in that moment. "I'm not sweet."

"Oh, Rachel," She had thought Jung Hwa was already standing as close to her as possible but somehow he was now a step closer, and his free hand, the one not clutching hers, was coming up to brush tenderly at her cheek where a few stray tears remained.

"I know that's what you think," He murmured his eyes meeting hers moments before she stopped seeing anything at all.

He was kissing her.

She was kissing him back.

He brushed his lips over hers gently, once, twice, comforting, proving, testing.

Rachel answered by moving her mouth hesitantly, uncharacteristically shyly against his.

This must have been what he was waiting for because the next thing she knew she was being pulled further into the surprisingly firm body before her as the hand on her cheek eased its way gently into her hair.

He was still kissing her.

She was still kissing him back.

And they weren't technically engaged yet.

And they were still in a very public place.

And she was still confused as hell.

So Rachel pulled away first, linking her arms around his neck and hooking her chin over his shoulder in a hug that she meant to serve as both an apology and a thank you.

She meant to try to move them back toward the affectionate but safe relationship she'd cultivated over the past few months, move them back toward the hand holding and away from the kissing, at least until she'd managed to purge herself of the confusion that she just couldn't shake.

She meant to _move_.

Instead she froze.

Young Do stood across the street, the crowds of people between them doing nothing to disguise his presence, her eyes snapping in to focus on his face like a homing beacon.

The first thing she noticed as he stood directly under the streetlight near the crosswalk was the scattering of dark bruises marring his face. He has a black eye, a split lip and what looked to be a painfully swollen cheek.

Rachel sucked in a breath in shock as though she were the one who had been hit.

It wasn't his injuries that caused her to recoil though.

It was the pure, hot rage burning behind his eyes, rage that was directed at her and the boy blissfully unaware in her arms.

He saw, she managed to register as her frozen synapses started firing again.

_He saw everything. _


	12. Chapter 12

She didn't remember blinking but she must have because the next thing her brain registered was the comforting blankness of the inside of her eyelids.

By the time her eyes opened next Young Do was gone, the spot he'd occupied under the streetlight glaringly empty among the numerous bodies moving about on the opposite side of the street.

A quick sweep of the street revealed nothing, not even his retreating back, as though he had never been there at all.

As if he were a figment of her frazzled mind, nothing more.

She knew better.

Rachel eased out of Jung Hwa's embrace, stepping back awkwardly and pointedly not meeting his gaze.

Probably thinking her shy, probably still thinking her sweet, Jung Hwa didn't comment on her sudden withdrawal, didn't comment on her sudden distance both physical and emotional.

He gave her space, just like always did and for a brief moment Rachel found herself resenting it. The very reasons she craved Jung Hwa's company-his kindness, his easy manner, the way he always saw the best in her-were now the same characteristics that left her fighting the urge to snap at him.

She didn't want someone pointing out her every flaw like her mother and Kim Tan.

But that didn't mean she wanted someone brushing them all under the rug and refusing to acknowledge their existence either.

Rachel didn't expect anything, but deep down she wanted everything.

Deep down she was selfish.

She wanted someone to protect her from the worst things others thought of her, the worst things she so often thought of herself. But she also wanted someone to challenge her, pull her out of her tendency towards self-pity and force her one battle at a time towards being a better person.

Towards at least wanting to be.

She wasn't about to let herself actually get to the point of thinking such a relationship might be possible though.

She had learned her lesson with Kim Tan, learned a few lessons she would rather not have, but what's done is done.

Girls like her did not marry for love and they did not look for relationships that gave them what they wanted unless what they wanted was money and connections that proved advantageous on both sides.

She bit down her annoyance and its accompanying guilt, forced her mind to go blank and her expression to match, allowed Jung Hwa to usher her towards his waiting town car, in to the back seat and out again once they'd reached her house.

He left her with nothing more than a respectful kiss on the cheek, and she waved as he pulled away, gave him the soft smile she knew he wanted.

She watched his car receding in the distance, counted in her head to 30 before pulling her phone from her bag and selecting Young Do's number from her contacts with shaking fingers.

It rang once, twice, three times and she hung up.

He was either ignoring her or off doing something spectacularly stupid _and_ ignoring her.

Without giving herself the time to think better of her actions she called for a taxi.

She didn't know exactly where she was going. She had a vague idea that she would head over to Zeus but halfway there she informed the annoyed driver of a new destination.

She had a hunch where he might be.

She didn't know when she'd started having hunches about Young Do and his normally indecipherable motivations and routines.

Probably about the same time she'd started to wonder if "sister" meant "sister" or something…something else.

The taxi dropped her off in front of the restaurant where he'd taken her once, the hole in the wall place she'd been so sure was some kind of important gesture, some kind of symbolic message he was waiting for her to decipher.

Instead she'd left as confused as ever, as confused as she was now when she was about to walk back in.

Rachel took a deep breath, straightened her shoulders, felt her determination settle in her gut and her face slide in to it's neutral bored expression, the one that had served her well so often.

She strode toward the door, swung it open, walked in like she owned the place, which she probably could with the amount of money she spent in a typical shopping trip.

She forced herself to count to five before she allowed her gaze to swing over to the table where he'd insisted they sit during their one and only meal successful meal together.

She braced herself for his absence but was unprepared for the clenching of her stomach at the realization that she had been right, he was there, right where she'd imagined him being.

A bowl of uneaten ramen sat in front of him, his legs sprawled out taking up all the space under the table making her wonder how she'd ever fit at a table with him.

She meant to march over to him, announce her presence and say nothing, make him work for any explanations, keep the argument he must be itching for tantalizingly just out of his reach with her seemingly unaffected attitude.

Instead she found herself taking hesitant steps towards his table and for lack of any better ideas simply sliding in to the seat across from him, her legs accidentally tangling with his at the exact moment he realized she was there, his eyes, one black ringed, shooting up to hers.

He yanked his legs back, folding them into themselves in a effort to separate himself from her.

Rachel tried not to allow herself to feel the hurt begging for her attention at his action.

"What happened to your face?" She asked instead, expecting her voice to be harsh but instead finding it to be almost unrecognizably gentle.

Her soft tone only seemed to offend him, his entire body bristling at her words, his eyes rolling like Bo Na after someone told her the world didn't in fact revolve around her.

"What do you think, Yoo Rachel?" His voice dripped with disdain and his use of her full name hit her painfully one syllable at a time. "I was defending your honor like a fool."

"I didn't ask you to fight Kim Tan," Rachel tried, hating the fact that she felt compelled to defend herself about something she hadn't done. Again.

"Of course not," He leaned forward, venom dripping from every word. "I'm the one who assumed you wanted something of me. It seems to be my specialty."

"Don't compare me to _her_," Rachel spat, finally losing her icy exterior. "I'm not some damsel in distress collecting boys to fight my battles for me."

Young Do's eyes flashed, and Rachel fought the urge to shudder at the intensity of the anger she saw there.

Good.

She was angry too and a certain part of her relished the feeling of _feeling_ of experiencing something other than indifference.

The next second he was out of his seat and yanking her out of hers, his grip on her arm just tight enough to be uncomfortable just loose enough to ensure it didn't actually hurt.

"Ya!" She protested his rough treatment, drawing the attention of the other diners as well as a woman behind the counter who looked vaguely familiar, her face drawn with concern.

Young Do seemed to sense the woman's impending interference and waved a hand dismissively in her direction.

"We're fine," He called in the woman's direction before redirecting his attention to Rachel, her arm still firmly in his grip. "Outside. _Now_."

"_Fine_," She snapped, allowing herself to be dragged out the door and into the night, doing her best to retain some shred of dignity in the process.

She felt the bite of the night air and felt him release her arm, his hand shooting up to tug at his hair, the sight distracting Rachel momentarily so that his next words took her by surprise.

"What are you doing here, Rachel? I see you letting your boyfriend eat your face and now you're here looking for me? What do you _want_ from me, Rachel?"

He looked genuinely perplexed, and still practically vibrating with rage, and he looked defiant yet vulnerable somehow and Rachel found the combination so typically, frustratingly Young Do she almost couldn't stand it.

"You showed up on _my_ date, and the first time I see you properly your face looks like _this_…" She gestured at his bruised and broken skin disgustedly. "I'm not here to trick you, or get anything from you Young Do, I was worried about you, ok? I won't make that mistake again, don't worry."

She took one quick step to the side meaning to evade any of Young Do's further comebacks and find another taxi to get home before this obvious mistake got any worse.

Instead the next thing she knew she was being spun around and pressed firmly against the wall of the restaurant on one side, pressed firmly against Young Do's warm body on the other.

Her first thought was that he was absolutely _everywhere_.

His solid chest met hers, his legs boxed hers in on either side, one hand between her head and the wall the others forcefully gripping her chin and keeping it in place because…_oh_.

He was kissing her.

Later she would remember this with embarrassment but she honestly hadn't noticed at first. There had been too many sensations too much shock to register the specifics of their situation.

Of course it quickly became apparent.

Unlike Jung Hwa, this wasn't a hesitant test. This was a demand, an argument continued on a different battlefield, a punishment.

His lips nipped angrily at hers, seemingly frustrated by her lack of response.

She wanted to respond.

She wanted to sink in to him, press her lips back against his fiercely, pour all of her confusion and anger and passion in to that one kiss.

Instead she felt tears building in her eyes, a scream building in her throat, her hand itching to slap.

Her hand recovered from the shock first.

He reeled back from the slap, one hand coming up to clutch an already sore cheek, the only sound for a moment their equally labored breathing.

"Are you happy now?" She finally choked out, her throat tight with tears that wouldn't come. "You really showed me, huh?"

"Rachel…" She didn't know if her name was the start of a sentence that would beg for forgiveness or build his defense or ask why a girl like her was bothering to act offended.

She didn't ask.

She didn't want to know to be honest.

"Save it for another girl, brother," She said, her icy exterior back in place, it's brief absence like a bad dream, the only place where she usually let her guard down these days. "I'm done."

She sidestepped him and this time he didn't try to stop her.

He didn't try to follow as she retreated into the darkness, and Rachel took advantage of the cover to release the emotions she'd kept tightly coiled inside her.

If the dark could hide Young Do's bruises she was reasonably sure it could hide her tears.

She supposed he may have heard a stifled sob as she walked away, but she wasn't planning to ask him that either.

She wasn't planning to ask him anything.


	13. Chapter 13

Young Do didn't call that night.

Rachel didn't dream.

She'd lingered outside her house, waited just out of sight of their security camera until she was sure her mother would be asleep and that the staff would be making themselves scarce.

She knew her face was red and swollen.

She knew her eyes were bloodshot and still leaking the occasional tear.

She didn't know what she would say to her mother if she asked what was wrong.

She wasn't sure of the answer herself.

Was she upset that Young Do kissed her?

Or was she upset because…because he had kissed her like _that_?

So she waited.

And by the time she finally slipped into the house and up the stairs to her room she barely had the energy to peel off her shoes and tights before collapsing in bed, rumpled dress and all.

She didn't have the energy to dream.

So she didn't.

The next night Young Do called.

Rachel didn't answer.

But she did dream.

She dreamed of her father, the way she had known him when she was a child, impossibly tall, crisp suits, a scent she couldn't name but that was uniquely _daddy_, the smile he had reserved just for her.

She could feel herself shrinking, the ribbon in her hair reappearing, a light and frothy giggle escaping from her lips as she hid behind the door to jump out at her father when he came home after work.

The way he always pretended to be surprised before swinging her up in his arms, on to his strong, safe back to piggy back her around the house. His deep voice that she could feel in her chest, declaring her his princess and him her trusty stead until even her mother had to smile at their antics.

Until she had stopped..

Until the more uncontained their joy the more her mother had found them irritating, the more she had eyed them disapprovingly and then disappeared in to her bedroom to make phone calls.

Even in dreams Rachel couldn't separate her younger self from what came next. Her mother making more and more private phone calls. Her father coming home later and later and then slowly, so slowly she almost didn't realize what was happening, he stopped coming home at all.

"Daddy," little Rachel cried, her ribbon lying forgotten as she searched room after room in their too big, terrifyingly big house only to find empty blackness.

Rachel woke and opened her eyes but it did no good.

The same blackness was all she could see, sitting like a 1,000 pound weight on her chest, almost convincing her that this blackness was all there was to the world, all there ever had been. The rest of her life had been the dream.

She thought of calling Young Do.

She wanted to call him.

She didn't.

She closed her eyes, but she didn't dream again.


	14. Chapter 14

**This chapter dedicated to guest reviewer Alice who made me feel better when I was doubting every word I wrote. :) **

If Rachel had her way time would have stopped right there and she would never have been required to go back to that school where nothing but various scenarios of emotional trauma was waiting.

Of course, Rachel didn't have any more control over the passing of time than she did over boys and their need to make her feel small.

The next day was a school day and Rachel was powerless to stop it. She knew that, and yet every time she tried to prepare herself to consider that she would soon be forced to face Young Do her mind shuddered away from that reality. She _knew_ it would have to happen eventually; it wasn't like her to avoid the inevitable. She was the type who could harness her anxiety, anger, depression anything that had the potential to drag her down and instead use it to hold her up, to straighten her shoulders, lift her chin and march past those who dared to hurt her secure in the knowledge that they would never know they had done it.

This was different.

It was all her fault really.

She'd started using Young Do, slowly at first, as another weapon in her arsenal, another way to show the world just how much she didn't care what they thought. Then she'd started to rely on him for more than that, for the opportunity to blow off steam, to express what she didn't dare let anyone else witness, as a place to deposit all of the emotions that she knew had no place anywhere else in her life.

Anywhere else in her life emotions were a liability, with Young Do they were the fire that kept their…whatever they had, going.

_Anger…bitterness…aching, aching sadness…_

Even if they weren't spoken, even if they weren't given a name they pulsed beneath everyone of their interactions and Rachel had used that outlet as a means of holding her fragile, blank exterior in place when the rest of the world was watching.

The problem was even using someone required depending on them.

Depending on people made you vulnerable.

Waiting for her father to come home, waiting for Kim Tan to love her back, waiting for Young Do…just waiting for Young Do.

Waiting for herself to admit that maybe deep down she wasn't as confused about her once had been almost brother as she tried to convince herself that she was.

She couldn't wait anymore.

But she couldn't face moving forward either.

So Rachel did something she hadn't done since she was seven and her parents were divorcing-she pretended to be sick.

She ignored her alarm, curled tightly beneath piles of blankets, layers and layers of expensive material smothering her until she felt sweat break out on her forehead but she didn't emerge.

Rachel was nothing if not punctual and a maid poked her head in to the room after only five minutes of tardiness on Rachel's part.

"Miss Rachel?" The hesitant voice of the maid called to her, sounding muffled from within her blanket fortress.

Rachel didn't bother answering just curled around herself more tightly.

Barely a minute later a more forceful voice pierced the silence of her room.

"What's all this, Rachel? We don't have time for tantrums today," Her mother snapped, the click of her heels across the floor the only warning Rachel had before her protective covering was yanked back and a rush of cool air hit her face.

Her mother must have turned the light on before accosting her daughter's attempt at sanctuary and Rachel blinked up at her, waiting for the inevitable argument, the demands for her to get up, keep up, never, ever slow down.

Instead, she saw something like uncertainty flicker in her mother's eyes.

Rachel didn't know what her mother saw in her expression but it was enough to prompt her mother to reach out a hand hesitantly to place against her daughter's forehead, an absurdly unfamiliar gesture of concern for them both.

Whether her mother detected a fever or simply couldn't bear to keep up the charade of normalcy any longer, she pulled back her hand and cleared her throat.

"Rest today," Her mother finally ordered, her typically authoritative tone firmly back in place. "School tomorrow."

Rachel didn't respond, simply reached down and pulled her blankets back up with what felt like laborious effort, her suddenly insignificantly small form swallowed up once again.

She counted her breathes as she listened to her mother's retreating steps, steps that hesitated at the door just long enough that Rachel allowed herself one moment of longing for her to turn around, for her to pull Rachel in to her lap and stroke her hair while she cried.

But it was only a moment.

In the space of another breath the click of her mother's heels was receding and Rachel's world once again shrunk to the size of the cave she had carved for herself.


	15. Chapter 15

Sometime during what would have been third period Young Do called Rachel again.

She didn't answer.

She didn't answer the next four times he called either.

When her phone rang yet again several hours later she gripped her phone in annoyance, half thinking to throw it against her wall. There was something vaguely satisfying about the image of it shattering on impact, shrapnel shooting off in every direction. She had half a mind to do it until she caught a glimpse of who was actually calling.

_Bo Na._

Rachel reached out to tap ignore but she found herself hesitating at the last moment.

They weren't close, not by anyone's rational definition of the word. They weren't even friends, not really. They put up with each other, because they knew all the same people and ran in all the same social circles and weren't going to be able to truly avoid each other anyway. And they had the kind of connection you have with anyone you've known most of your life, the people who you may not know much about these days, and probably don't even like, but they remember what you looked like when you were wearing pigtails and braces and there's a certain magic in that.

Bo Na, Myung Soo, Young Do, even Kim Tan…they were the proof that there was a _before_, that people do change and time does pass and now is a fragile concept.

So Rachel found herself swiping at the screen and raising the phone to her ear almost without meaning to.

"What?" She answered the call, her voice scratchy from lack of use that day.

"Ya, Rachel, what did you do to Young Do?" Bo Na's voice sounded even more high pitched than usual and she seemed to be slightly out of breath.

"Excuse me?" Rachel felt her own tone rising before she was able to school it back to its usual level. "He said I did something to _him_?"

"He's not saying anything at all," Bo Na whined. "Unless you count tormenting first years and trying to taunt Kim Tan in to a fight. _Again_."

"He's doing what?" Rachel really shouldn't be that surprised. This was Young Do after all, and this was what he did. Or at least it had been, for years and years and she couldn't quite recall when she'd started expecting more from him.

She couldn't quite recall when he'd started living up to those expectations either.

But the fact remained that after the mess with Cha Eun-Sang had finally come to a head he had hardly wasted any time on bullying or fighting, at least until his most recent fight with Kim Tan.

Not that she thought that was her fault. None of his stupid behavior was her responsibility. But still.

Fairness and logic aside she still felt rather than saw mental images of Young Do becoming the same old jackass all over again.

Not that she was going to tell Bo Na that.

"What does that have to do with me?" She asked flatly instead.

"What do you think? He clearly made you miserable, which made him miserable, so he's keeping busy by making all of us miserable too." Bo Na explained in a tone that implied she thought Rachel had the mental comprehension of a toddler.

Rachel found herself sputtering a bit despite her best attempts not to give Bo Na the satisfaction of hearing it.

"What…what are you talking about?" She demanded, insisting to herself that the pounding of her heart was a side effect of annoyance or disgust and not the far more telling, far more frightening physical reaction that came with realizing that all of your carefully constructed secrets weren't so secret after all.

"Really, Yoo Rachel, do you think I'm stupid or something?"

She paused as though she was actually expecting an answer but that wasn't a question _Rachel _was stupid enough to answer honestly, not when she still wanted information from the girl on the other end of the line.

"Spell it out for me, Bo Na," Rachel insisted instead.

Bo Na sighed deeply as if she were about to do Rachel a huge favor.

Maybe she was, Rachel had the clarity to think before Bo Na's voice once again broke in to her thoughts.

"Do you know why we're all so horrified by Young Do's delinquency today? Because we aren't used to it anymore! He's been better, Rachel, honestly better for the first time since his mom…since Kim Tan…since…well, you know. And I know why he changed and it wasn't Kim Tan coming back and it wasn't his mom and it wasn't Eun-Sang either. It was you."

"But I'm not…we're not…" Rachel searched her mind for the words that would convince Bo Na, convince herself that none of this was because of her, wasn't her responsibility wasn't something she had to admit was real.

"You're sick and twisted, the both of you," Bo Na interrupted. "But you're in it together, and it _works_. And Rachel, I know he probably messed it up somehow, because that's what boys do, but he clearly hates himself for it and honestly Rachel…I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think he could be good for you if you'd just _let _him. So the question is what are you going to do about it?"

Rachel found herself stunned in to silence. It wasn't something that happened often and to find herself in this state at the hands of none other than Bo Na, who up to this point in their lives hadn't said anything more thought provoking to Rachel than the suggestion that she'd look great in fuchsia, was enough to shock her out of the haze she'd been in all day.

And it was probably the shock that left her making the ridiculous split second decision to ask an honest question of Bo Na of all people.

"Why do I have to be the one to be the bigger person?" She felt tears building behind her eyes, but she ignored the burn and blinked them away so rapidly none of them managed to fall. "Why can't I be the one who just does whatever I want and let everyone else deal with the consequences? Why do I have to take all the risks?"

"You don't have to, Rachel," Bo Na sighed again and Rachel tried to ignore the fact that this time it didn't sound impatient only sympathetic. "You get the same choice as the rest of us."

"What's that?" Rachel's voice was hardly more than a whisper.

For a long moment Rachel didn't think Bo Na would answer.

Bo Na who was dating a member of the welfare student class well before Kim Tan came along and made it socially acceptable through sheer force of will.

Bo Na who after all had been the first victim of Kim Tan's smile.

Bo Na who had carved out her own little bubble of happiness that couldn't be penetrated, not by any of the cynics that swarmed looking for an opportunity to burst it.

When she finally did answer Rachel could practically hear the sad shrug in Bo Na's shoulders, shoulders Rachel was beginning to suspect held more weight than she had ever considered.

"To go after what you want, or wonder what would have happened if you did."

She hung up after that but Rachel sat there, perched on the edge of her bed with her phone pressed to her ear for a few minutes more, finally letting a tear or two escape and the pressure behind her eyes to lesson slightly.

She finally put down her phone but it was longer still before she was able to let go of the questions twisting and spinning full speed through her mind.

When did Bo Na get so damn perceptive?

When did Rachel's carefully constructed world of black and white become so decidedly gray?

And now that she could see it, what the hell was she going to do about it?

**Author's Note: Once again a little note, to guest reviewer Alice (please make an account so I can reply to properly lol) long reviews are the best! And thanks again for your words of encouragement. I don't think I'm a terrible writer or anything but sometimes things sound so beautiful and epic in my head and so boring and bland on the page, I think all writers deal with that! Anyway, thanks again, hope you enjoyed this chapter as well. :)**


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